This week has been harrowing, I've been so up and down in moods. I've been really happy and incredibly depressed. I think I am doing some good thinking though. I am feelin more positive now at least. Staying hopeful!

I have a Paul Dempsey ticket going to waste. Anybody want it? It's for Saturday at the FBN in Freo, It cost me $30, but you don't have to give me the money unless you really want to (there are people like that!).

In the past I've got really frustrated with people like Zac for bailing on shifts, and generally not being dedicated to being there for their coworkers, but atm I really get why they were doing those things. Lately I've been getting sick a lot, missing out on important sleep, waking up feeling terrible in terms of both health and mood at various times and I've missed a lot of shifts. I've been feeling like I'm not here at all, just drifting along. Stuff like the charity vigil is where it feels the worst, I just wanted to disappear completely that night, and it wasn't even triggered by anything. I've been bailing on social engagements too, which must get frustrating for people.

Honestly, I feel really sorry I ever got down on Zac or anyone like him, if they felt like this. My life feels cracked down the middle and nothing is working properly at all. Including me, ho ho!

I don't really know what to do at this point, other than try to be more dedicated to making it to all my rostered shifts on time and if I absolutely can't, provide more notice than I have been doing. And try to stop my life eroding entirely, I guess.

My new number is 0435556996. SMS me name and contact so I can add you!

It has been pointed out my tattoo ideas may have some potentially negative connotations:



Still worth it! :P

Sup Internet,

I want to get a tattoo on my forearm and the tatt I've wanted for a long time is an Atreides Hawk (from Dune). Problem is the basic description from the books is "a red hawk crest."

Some of the art I've found online:





The hawk without the background from the first one strikes me as okay, but I feel maybe I could get something better. So I was gonna put out a call to any arty-types I know to see if they want to design something to mar my flesh forever.

Basically I would like something with a stylised hawk, in red. I think House Atreides have a motto, "Here I am; here I remain." or you could work in the house name (Atreides obviously) if you wanted, I dunno. Go nuts :P If you don't care, don't bother trying. :P Or just offer an opinion. I can predict a few that will be put forward!

It has been a weird few weeks really. Things have been caught in one of either extreme happiness or the exact opposite lately. It's a nice change from feeling really down in a slow, hopeless kind of way but still, it makes me think that if I ever developed bipolar, I would go insane in weeks.

I think the reason things have been like this are mainly that I've been keeping myself busy doing things that make me happy quite a lot, but then when I hit the quiet/alone times, I haven't spent much of my time...steeling myself against feeling bad I guess. Usually I'm feeling down but focused on coping with it and not letting it bring me completely down. I think this is probably better though. Not having a slow grinding descent is definitely positive and doing fun things is great. I just have to work on the downswings. They're incredibly concerning, and I hate not being able to control myself and avoid them.

Working with a lot more responsibility is really great for my mental health actually. Being able to be proactive, determine my own priorities, get to see things run because of my choices, etc, is really a lot more fulfilling than working a job where your agenda is completely set by students and supervisors.

I've had some constructive conversations with some friends which has been making me feel good too. Not just letting my friendships hang in some weird limbo while I emo about stuff but actually talking to people and thinking about my relationships and so on is sometimes difficult but worth it in terms of peace of mind. It makes it far easier to just dismiss ridiculous negative thoughts. It also made me realise that grieving a lost friendship forever is not at all a constructive way to deal with whatever caused the loss in the first place. Doing something, whether it works or not, is healthier. Mm, vague.

I've been writing more lately, and I really should start showing it to someone and getting some criticism on it. I have had an idea for a story which doesn't cause me to delete the writing in disgust each time I finish, so that's pretty good. I haven't been reading anything worthwhile lately. I should be, because Amber gave me two books which I've started and are quite interesting, but I've been gravitating towards averagely written fantasy/scifi dross.

I've been roleplaying less, which is...its bad because I enjoy roleplaying but it's also good because it gives me more free time to do things more engaging, or to avoid brooding. Roleplaying, especially sessions where I don't actively engage, are a bit of a downer at the moment because I can only really occupy myself thinking about a) dickgirls or b) my problems. And a) may be one of my problems :P

I have been less interested in music lately, which is a bit of a problem in a way. Sitting around thinking is less...intense when you break it up listening to a new album or a new band. Sitting in silence just *feels* worse somehow. If anyone wants to reccomend something for me to grab, it might suck me back in :D I should listen to The Decemberists album Amber reccomended me on behalf of Corrin some more, that was quite good.

I still need to find a place in the world where I want to be in the future. I'm asking questions about my life and not finding many answers. I hope my friends know how much it means to me just being around them while I try to find them. I know some people have stressed out about not being able to help me. You all help me just by being in my life, there's nothing wrong with that being all you can do. It's plenty.

I also want to apologise to anyone I've even thought negatively about. I keep slipping into a mindset where...I expect people to just come up to me and talk to me about how I'm doing, see if they can help. People have lives, and things are not even remotely that simple. I've been doing better at reaching for the people I need to lean on, instead of damning them for not being there automatically. I dunno if that makes sense or not. I'm sorry!

I actually don't know if any of this makes sense. I guess I'll just close my eyes, go lalala and hit post. I think I'm just writing to basically "hear myself talk."

Might post something more thought out later.

EDIT: I am also thinking about getting a tattoo. I want one but I am not sure what to get/where.

This Terracon was probably on the whole one of the most fun (either most or second most) that I have been to. In keeping with stuff lately though, it had a lot wider range of up and down than most previous terracons. I had a lot of fun and some good times with people, but there was also more drama and disappointments than I would have liked, I guess. I think the important thing is to focus on the positives.

Good stuff I remember:
- Emu?
- The Brayden Noises
- Danica Love Nang
- Amber: "It's like the Flaming Lips are inside your head."
- Old Man Terracon
- Getting to chat with some Old Guard socially, this was really cool and probably one of the best things about this Terracon was a strong-ish Old Guard showing, and some intermixing. Realistically Midguard (or whatever the hell I am) should make more effort to hang with the Old Guard. NEXT YEAR.
- THE KISS(es)
- Analbeads
- Matt-o
- Surprising 3rd Place

I won't give specific run downs of the disappointments or of the nights for that matter. I think the major notable thing about this Terracon versus the last Terracon was that the sense of community, at least for me, was a lot greater. I had my hut, and I was constantly going across to Hut 12 for perfectly legal recreational practices, and the Old Guard dropped in plenty of times, and people from Lois' hut came around plenty, and on Sunday we saw some Katie and Penny which was nice. Really, the only groups that we didn't mesh with were the immediate ex-freshers. I think probably as the years progress and the ex-freshers/freshers gel better with mid-guard stuff this sort of...cross-pollination or whatever will get better. It makes me pretty enthusiastic for next Terracon actually.

I don't think I have much else to add, other than I think events at Terracon need an overhaul. People seem less enthusiastic year after year to run them and they seem poorly attended as well. I know I can fix this by being pro-active and stuff and running things, but honestly, I can't think of things to run that I think people will dig. People seem to like keeping their time largely free and the "events" that get well attended are impromptu things like the Sunday Fry-up of leftover meats and so on. Definitely needs thinking about.

X-posted from Chris's LJ.

So Chris and I are planning on pooling our money and buying a new computer. I am close to knowing what I want to put together, and I've gotten a few components and prices from PLE's website. Not necessarily going to buy from there, but they are only a 5 minute drive away which is appealing.

So these are the components I am deciding between:

CPU
Intel Core 2 Q8400 2.66GHz 2x2MB Cache 1333FSB $279.00
Intel Core 2 Q9400 2.6GHz 2x3MB Cache 1333FSB $334.00
Intel Core 2 Q9550 2.83GHz 2x6MB Cache 1333FSB $399.00

I definitely want Quad-Core. I really don't want to take any shortcuts on this system like I did my last, so I am not going to bother Dual Core. Out of these three, is the added cache going to make a HUGE difference to performance (i.e. worth $400?)

MOTHERBOARD
ASUS STRIKER II EXTREME 790i DESKTOP BOARD# $429.00

I've only figured out one motherboard that I want so far. But if anyone has any alternatives this would be appreciated. But it needs to support SLI (as I would like to have this option available to me). Also socket 775 obviously (probably going with an NVIDIA chipset as well).

RAM: Do I want 6GB or is 3/4 enough?

GFX CARD
ASUS 9500GT 550M PCIe/512MB/D-DVI # [EN9500GT-MG-DI-512 ] $109.00
ASUS 9600GT PCIe/512MB/D-DVI # [EN9600GT-HTDI-512] $168.00
ASUS 9800GT 600M PCIe/512MB/D-DVI # [EN9800GTHB-HTDI-512] $215.00
eVGA GTX260+ 576M/1998M 896MB/D-DVI # [896-P3-1255-AR ] $399.00
eVGA GTX275 663M/2268M 896MB/D-DVI # [896-P3-1170-AR] $479.00
ASUS GTX285 648M PCIe/1GB/DVI/HDMI # [ENGTX285/HTDP/1GD3] $669.00

Case, power supply etc I will decide for myself (probably getting a 1000W PSU given the trivial price differences between 750, 850 and 1000).

So any advice would be appreciated!

Tonight was the unisfa wine and cheese night and as far as evenings go, it was probably as Chris puts it, one of the most ridiculous I've experienced. Alcohol leads to pretty dumb things. What was interesting about this evening was that people had not had enough alcohol to not experience the consequences of dumb things happening but had had enough to be fine with going through these things relatively publicly.

I am pretty sure I cried in the middle of a party with everyone around because of a conversation I was having with Chris and that was immediately put aside for another friend crying. And then another. It was like crying was the new hip thing at this party and we all got in on it.

Still, and without going into too much detail, I connected with a friend like I haven't for so many months. I don't know that it was alcohol, though I don't think it was, but whatever it was I am grateful for the mood it has put me in no matter how fleeting this mood might be, whether we talk about it again or not. Though personally I hope we do. Lack of communication has actually been my PROBLEM so it seems dumb if I don't do it again.

The frustrating thing is that I don't know if I feel the way I do right now as a result of alcohol, or because I connected with someone.

AHHHHHHHHHH This is too complicated for livejournal. Fuck you, livejournal!

Just making this OFFICIAL and stuff so everyone knows, mainly the people actually IN the hut. The following Terracon hut has been formed:

Me
Chris
Danica
reaps
Amber
Nic
Sam
Taleesha

I've also asked Kat to put us down as an 8 person hut. I don't think there's much left to say! It's a pretty chillaxed group of people, should be fun.

Moving from place to place in Kanto is a difficult proposition these days. Entry and exit from towns is logged by Team Rocket members (or loyalist citizens trying to gain membership) and only the least significant people are not logged.

It has become a habit to ignore the itinerant workers and the homeless. Too many people found their work suddenly outlawed, or they rebelled against Giovanni's rule and lost their pokemon and way of life and now there are hundreds of people wandering Kanto with no home and often no income. These people live in abject poverty, barely scraping a living either by foraging in the wild areas, competing with pokemon for the natural resources capable of sustaining life, or they move from town to town, working as a farm labourer one day, a janitor the next. Team Rocket doesn't give a damn about these people, they're not going to waste time cataloguing the movements of people no one has a use for anymore.

So that's how we do it, that's how we move from town to town. Dress in rags and try to look dead inside and you shouldn't be bothered. Not until the last bit at least. The boat leaves from an uncharted cove at the south end of route 22. That's the route leading from Viridian City to Victory Road. Since the Elite 4's defeat, Indigo Plateau has been the seat of Giovanni's power, so no one travels up there, no one to spot you on the road. Provided you manage to get past the guards in Viridian at least. Usually they don't try too hard to police the route, its been habitually avioded by the majority of people and anyone who has travelled down that route to try and topple Giovanni hasn't returned. I hear they have a new Executive in charge now though, someone pretty keen to advance through the ranks. They don't know about the boat though, so there shouldn't be too much attention. Oh, there is a nesting group of Fearow up there though, last couple of trips we lost a few recruits to them. Nasty buggers, managed to kill all the Mankey and Primeape in the area.

After that, it's just an incredibly long voyage on a small boat through uncharted, often rough seas and then you get to the Islands and then, if Oak thinks you're worthy, you can join up. Better hope it's worth it, cause danger of the journey aside, there aint no going back.

First session of Pokemon Apocalyptica is this Sunday, starting at about 6.30 and ending sometime around 10.30 hopefully. Jas and Meghan can show up early (say about 5.30) to make characters and get a feel for the way the Awesome System will play. We can grab dinner too, or I can cook I guess if people are opposed to eating fast food for the evening.

I am looking forward to it!

...if anyone was REALLY REALLY shopping in advance for a birthday present for me:

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/POKEMON-SEASON-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-SUPER-WALLET-115-DVD_W0QQitemZ290308481231QQcmdZViewItemQQptZAU_Movies_Movies_TV_Shows?hash=item290308481231&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=66%3A2|65%3A1|39%3A1|240%3A1318

THIS.

EDIT: Though being completely un-ebay savvy I have no idea if this is legit or pirated or what.

I went shopping today, with my big paycheck and my Ruddbucks on the way. I got lots of stuff:

Madworld (Wii)
New shoes (Globes, nicer than my old ones)
New Sunglasses. I don't know the brand but they're comfy. Danica assures me they look good, I have no real clue nor do I PARTICULARLY care. And they were 50% off! :P
2 New shirts which are quite nice.

So its not a huge amount of stuff, but it felt like a big shopping trip to me. All up it was maybe $300 for the day, which isn't too bad and about what I had planned on spending one third of my Ruddbucks on just, stuff. Another third will go on a car service and another third will go towards a bookshelf I think.

I also preordered GUITAR HERO METALLICA so that'll be nice and fun.

Mostly it was fun shopping with Danica. :D

So Giovanni's control was total. The Gym Leader's who fought back against Team Rocket went down. How they expected to prevail when the Elite Four had failed, I don't know. Some worked with Team Rocket, at least keeping control of their gyms that way. No one dared to oppose Team Rocket's might.

Well, that's what the propoganda spread around by Team Rocket said anyway. They conveniently ignored the giant crater that had been Oak's house and pokemon lab in Pallet Town. I don't know what they were thinking, sending only 20 men to subdue Oak. Everyone knew he'd beaten the Elite Four when he was only 13. Maybe they thought that being so old, he was past it. He proved quite clearly that he hadn't STOPPED raising his own skills, or the skills of his pokemon. 20 Team Rocket members including some of Giovanni's closest advisors "went missing" that day. In a way it was convenient that there was absolutely nothing left of them, it allowed Giovanni to deny they'd died. They had simply vanished, it sounds much better.

It's a lot harder for them to spin the Resistance, though. Small groups of trainers have managed to find Oak, where ever he has gone. They strike surgically, disrupting Team Rocket's efforts to further their control and keeping alive the spirit of hope that existed before Giovanni's takeover. Some of Kanto's most powerful trainer's seem to have linked up with Oak, including Oak's own grandson Gary and his childhood friend, Ash. These two, and a few others lead their own cells, it is rumoured. Professor Elm in Johto managed to anticipate Giovanni's spreading influence and all out war strikes along the border. It's said that some communication moves between the Johto forces and the Kanto Resistance. Maybe there's still some hope we could be liberated yet.

Until then, a sensible person will just stay quiet and not attract attention kids. The life of a resistance fighter, it's no life for young kids like you so just forget I said anything.
________________________________________________________

I'd like to run this again, and I have a bit more of a story planned out so it will be more reliably run than before, when it was a sort of "Oh uh, we're bored lets do this?" The rules will be the Pokemon rules Ross and I worked out for the awesome system a while ago and I'll touch them up to complete all the available types. I'd really like it if Ross, Steve and Danica could play. I'd also like Chris to play but I don't know if he will. I could probably accomodate 4-5 players so that leaves 1 spot and 1 optional spot if Chris says no, and more if any of the above don't want to play. I don't know WHEN I would run it, probably on a weeknight, possibly every second Friday or something like that.

So, interest?

I'd also like to run a Star Wars game again so I'll probably post some stuff about that later.

Most people remember seeing the walls of the colleseum at Indigo Plateau falling and the defeat of the Elite Four. Everyone expected Giovanni's forces to be easily crushed when Bruno stepped forward to defend Victory Road. Some even laughed when Team Rocket sent out Golem's and Raticate's in the face of Bruno's Hitmonchan and Machamp. No one is quite sure how it happened, but 96 people were killed in the panic that followed Bruno's gruesome death on live television. Loreli didn't even try to defend herself when Giovanni's men came for her. She just clutched Bruno's body and wept, until she was dragged away.

It's even less clear exactly how Lance was defeated, except that Giovanni himself faced Lance in battle. Broadcasts were a lot less reliable by that point, with Team Rocket knocking out a lot of transmitters and murdering a lot of news crews. One particularly brave or particularly stupid reporter managed to get the shot everyone remembers. Lance and Dragonite being struck by some kind of beam, and tumbling from the sky. Self-proclaimed experts are still debating exactly what kind of move it may have been. Agatha disappeared entirely for 3 years, only to reappear at Giovanni's side, her Ghost pokemon supplementing Giovanni's already formidable arsenal. No one knows why she aids him now.

________________

I might run this as a game but for now just wanking on on LJ, and I didn't get to finish before my shift did.

I have a slight problem with the way I acquire and consume music. Well several problems, the largest being that my musical habits don't really lend much support to the artists. When I'm more financially secure I plan to actually buy albums, at least my favourite album from an artist so that they get some support from me.

But THIS post is specifically about how I get into a new band. If I have something recommended to me, or perhaps hit on something that I like through hearing a few songs, I'll often use my ludicrous internet to grab the entire discography of a band.

The most recent example of this is Sleater-Kinney. Tommo's avatar is something I see as a recommendation every time he posts and the opportunity came up to grab an album from someone, so I did. This particular album, The Woods, was really awesome and quite different from the stuff I regularly listened to so I wanted more. So I grabbed the discography and now I have all of it. THE PROBLEM WITH THIS is that I now have 7 albums. I don't really know where to leap into this. I could listen to them chronologically, or by popularity according to some arbitrary definition, maybe see which ones wikipedia references as their "big hit" or something. I could just put the all songs menu on my ipod on shuffle. Basically, I don't have an easy way to get a feel for each album as an album and as much as it's convenient finding a discography torrent, it's probably much better for my enjoyment of the music if I torrent the albums one by one.

So does anyone else have this, where they get a whole whack of music from a single band all at once and don't know where to jump in.

For the record tommo, if your avatar means you're as big a fan of sleater-kinney as it seems to suggest, let me know where you'd start. The only album I've listened to extensively is The Woods, though I have listened to All Hands On The Bad One a few times.

So Chris and I are moving house this weekend, and we've rented a trailer for saturday. We've moved most of the stuff we can put in boxes by now, and the rest should be done tonight and tomorrow night so the trailer is just for furniture.

We don't actually NEED help, as between the two of us we could handle all our furniture but it'll definitely lessen our workload if anyone wants to come by and help lift couches and fridges and so on and show off how manly they are :P

Also I can't tie a knot for shit and we need to get rope from somewhere for securing stuff.

So if anyone wants to help, let us know, we'd be grateful!